


Berlin

by Wisely_Silent



Category: Prora
Genre: Drinking, Kissing, M/M, Smoking, Swearing, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-21
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-12-18 09:21:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11871309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wisely_Silent/pseuds/Wisely_Silent
Summary: About a year later Matthieu and Jan meet each other again.





	Berlin

**Author's Note:**

> One day about a month ago I watched the short film ["Prora"](http://prora-themovie.com/en/). A few days later I was suddenly struck by inspiration and wrote this one-shot.

Berlin. I didn’t know what I had expected, but this city was not so different than the rest. Probably all big cities in Europe were similar – I didn’t know, for I had not visited many. Last year we were in Amsterdam and the year before that in Rome. Now we had ended up in Berlin after a lot of debating between it and Zürich. Berlin had won, when I had said that there were the best clubs.

      Berlin of course brought Jan and the summer in Prora back into my mind. We hadn’t been in contact much since, despite my reassurances that all was fine, that the... incident... wouldn’t affect our friendship. It had felt like that then, but after getting back at school in Rennes, all seemed different.

      Jan had texted me often and I had tried my best to answer, but... somehow I hadn’t been able to be completely myself. I had sensed Jan’s growing frustration with me during the first months of being apart, because after all, it had been me who had sworn that nothing had changed. Eventually he had stopped texting me altogether, which had made me feel even worse. But still I had not been able to pick up the phone to call him or even type some words of apology or reassurance. Jan was still my friend, my very best friend, but it seemed that Prora had irreversibly changed things, at least for me.

      But I had decided that even though I was in Jan’s home soil, I would not think of him. Nevertheless being in Germany made me feel lighter somehow, like I was closer to him than in a long time. I missed him.

      The place where we ended up was called Dunckerclub. It looked good enough and it had an attached outdoor garden, which was a nice bonus. As always, the first thing I did, was to get a drink and search the club for the hottest girl. I preferred them with long, dark hair, big breasts and tanned skin, and it didn’t take me long to find one fitting the criteria perfectly.

      I took a sip of my beer, adopted my sexiest look and prepared to approach my perfect one-night stand, when I saw _her_. I stopped on my tracks and just looked at her. She had blond hair, shorter than I usually liked, nice breasts but not impressive, not much tan, cute but not the most gorgeous girl out there.

      I didn’t understand what was going on, because she was not what I had been looking for, but for some reason I had to have her. I changed my direction, not even remembering the brunette or my friends, and approached the blond girl instead. She had beautiful, blue eyes.

      Her name was Helen and not German as it turned out. She was from Denmark, currently on a weekend trip in Berlin with a couple of friends who she happily introduced me. I thought she was funny and nice, but still I couldn’t get my finger on what was so special about her that it grasped my interest so completely. I also realised that she didn’t really understand my sense of humour, but I didn’t let it bother me – she would learn in time.

      My friends were trying to get my attention every once in a while, but I was so mesmerised by Helen that I hardly noticed. But just when I was thinking of getting away from her friends and spend some time together, I heard a loud swearing in German followed by a laugh so familiar that I felt an ache inside of me.

      I turned to look towards the voice and realised instantly why I was so into Helen. She had the exact same hair colour than Jan, she was similar height, her eyes also the same colour and her smile resembled his so much that I couldn’t understand why I hadn’t made that connection before.

      There he was, my Jan, leaning against the bar counter, laughing with some black-haired guy. My surprise at seeing him started to transform to a feeling of jealousy. Helen tried to get my attention but I no longer had eyes for anybody else than Jan, who had not seen me yet.

      Suddenly the black-haired guy wrapped his fingers around Jan’s upper arm and leaned very close to say something to him. Jan smiled and then started to laugh his head off. They had to support each other to remain upright. The blood in my veins started to boil with anger. It felt intolerable to watch Jan act in such a way with someone else.

      I wondered if Jan wanted to repeat the _incident_ with someone other than me, and the mere thought only increased my fury. How long had Jan thought about doing it with him? Or didn’t he care who he did it with? Had he already been like that with other blokes? I couldn’t stand it, so I had to get away.

      Somehow I managed to locate my group of friends, who were joined with a handful of girls. I went to sit with them and then glared murderously at Jan and his “friend”, who were still laughing and smiling and touching.

      “Where did you leave your girl?” Rafal asked me loudly over the blaring rock music.

      “She was boring,” I grunted, my eyes still glued to Jan.

      “Right,” Rafal said and I could see from the corner of my eyes how he shook his head, clearly thinking I was out of my mind.

      Jan was now walking closer, possibly searching for a free place to sit down. His friend was holding his hand, the bastard.

      “Who’s that?” Rafal asked and as I followed his eyes I realised that he was also looking at Jan. So my staring hadn’t gone unnoticed, then, as I had hoped.

      I didn’t know what to answer and then I didn’t need to, because suddenly Jan’s eyes met my gaze. The wide smile on his face slowly died as he realised it was me, who he was looking at. Soon his face was completely void of emotion, staring at me blankly, and I hated it. I wanted him to be pleased to see me.

      When I saw Jan starting to look upset I stood up without realising it and walked to him. All the while we stared at each other. It took a while to reach him, because I had to go round multiple people, chairs and tables, but Jan did not escape as I feared he would.

      My heart was pounding by the time I was standing in front of him, staring into his blue eyes on his upturned face. I felt like I could drown in all the emotions they reflected. I hadn’t seen him in almost a year, the longest time we had ever been apart. And we both knew it was my fault, and I could guess that Jan felt like I had betrayed him by breaking my promise. I was sure that I would feel exactly the same if our positions were reversed. I needed to make it up to him somehow.

      The only thing I could think of was what I did. I grabbed him and hugged him, tightly, and only in that moment did I realise just how enormously I truly had missed him. I feared that Jan would push me away or not respond, but neither happened, for Jan twined his arms around me and hugged me back just as tightly.

      I could feel my friends’ eyes on my back, because to them I was surely behaving in a very bizarre manner, but I didn’t care. The only thing I wanted was to make sure that Jan and I were okay. I didn’t know how long we hugged each other, but it must have been abnormally long, because after a while I heard a very pointed fake cough.

      I was pleased that Jan didn’t immediately let go of me, but did it slowly and he smiled just a little at me when he did. My heart swelled with relief, because that little smile proved to me that our friendship was not yet beyond repair.

      I had time to smile back at Jan before he focused on his friend, who apparently had been the one to make the cough. Just to make sure that the idiot understood that Jan was mine, I threw my arm around his shoulders and looked at the black-haired guy challengingly.

      Jan seemed to appreciate my gesture because he turned his head to look at me with a bigger smile. That caused me to automatically tighten my hold of him. Then I focused on the idiot again who was frowning slightly.

      “This is Matthieu,” Jan introduced me to him, “my best friend.” Then Jan turned to me. “Matthieu, this is Filip, my friend from school.”

      “Nice to meet you,” said Filip and offered me his hand.

      Since my right arm was on Jan’s shoulders and I wasn’t about to take it off, I grabbed the hand with my left. “Likewise,” I said untruthfully.

      Perhaps the git realised that, because he raised his eyebrows, but I didn’t care. Jan seemed pleased that I hadn’t released him yet. In fact I could feel him curl his arm around my waist. It didn’t even occur to me that friends, especially two straight guys, weren't supposed to act like that.

      I was wondering, though, whether Jan actually _was_ one hundred percent straight. Straight people didn’t engage in activities like Jan had in Prora. But then I shied away from that line of thought since I, too, had been just as involved in that less-than-straight behaviour.

      Filip was saying something to Jan, but I rudely interrupted. “Would you like something to drink?” I asked despite the fact that Jan already had almost full pint of beer in his free hand.

      “Yeah, man,” he said and dragged me with him towards the bar counter. I looked back and saw Filip scowl at us. I concealed a smirk.

      Apparently Jan, however, saw it, but didn’t seem to mind. “You don’t have to worry about him,” he said.

      “I wasn’t,” I told him, but inside I did feel victorious, because I had been afraid that perhaps Jan considered Filip more than a friend. Those kinds of relationships always trumped friendships and I did not want to be pushed aside.

      Jan smiled at me and ordered us drinks. I then asked if he’d like to meet my friends, so we joined their table. Rafal especially was clearly baffled and looked from me to Jan and back with a deep frown.

      I introduced Jan as my best friend who I had told them about and then we squeezed on the couch to sit down. I finally withdrew my arm. Jan did the same, because otherwise his arm would have probably ended up being crushed between my back and the back of the crowded couch.

      I had absolutely wonderful time. I had my school friends with me and Jan, who was all smiles. It was funny to listen Jan talk with the others, because they had language difficulties. Jan spoke French worse than I did German, but my friends were French and only knew couple of German words at the most.

      At some point a sour-looking Filip appeared and managed to steal Jan away me. I wasn’t, however, going to let them out of my sight and therefore kept a close eye on them. Fortunately they didn’t get far, only out of hearing-distance.

      Rafal moved to sit on Jan’s vacated seat and he looked at me inquiringly.

      “What?” I asked without taking my eyes off of Jan and Filip.

      “Well... you look like you’re... jealous,” Rafal said hesitantly.

      I could feel his gaze burning into my face. “I’m not jealous, I just have things to make up to him, is all,” I said as calmly as I could. I was finally starting to realise just how strange my behaviour with Jan must seem to my friends. However, I didn’t want to dwell on it.

      “Whatever you say...” Rafal muttered, clearly not believing me.

      I was about to tell him that there was nothing but friendship between me and Jan, but I got distracted when it seemed that Filip was getting angry.

      “That’s none of your business,” I heard Jan say loudly in German, “just shut up.”

      Again I stood up, because I wanted to hear everything. With luck I would understand enough of the argument. I walked closer and for some reason, Rafal followed me. Perhaps he thought there was a change of a fight breaking out?

      “He left you alone and bleeding! You could’ve died in there!” Filip shouted.

      “But I didn’t and he has apologised about that,” Jan said and was obviously frustrated. “It’s over, so forget about it!”

      I felt cold inside, for I instantly understood what the argument was about. I had, indeed, punched Jan in the face and left him alone in there. I had been aware that he had hurt himself, but I hadn’t known, until I saw him again a few days later, just how badly. I had felt ashamed and thought about going back to apologise and to get my hat, but I hadn’t. I had been too confused and angry about what he had made me do that I hadn’t wanted to see him.

      Filip stepped closer to Jan. “How can you defend him?” he asked angrily. “It was his fault that you almost bled to death!”

      I was starting to get angry, too. I couldn’t believe that Jan had told about the incident to someone I didn’t know. And for that someone to blame me, when it had been Jan, who had started it.

      “It wasn’t my fault, it was his,” I ground out in German as I advanced on the duo. Quite a lot of people were staring at us, but I didn’t pay them much attention.

      “Excuse me?” came Jan’s incredulous voice.

      I turned to look at him. “What?” I asked, wondering what I had done wrong this time.

      “It was _my_ fault that you punched me?” he said, and I could feel anger radiating from his voice.

      “You were the one who started doing... _that_ ,” I pointed out, trying to keep calm.

      Jan walked very close to me and I saw that he looked hurt. “Are you still so disgusted about it that you can’t even say it?” he asked. “Besides, you’re bigger than me. You could’ve easily stopped me, pushed me away, but you didn’t resist. You participated just as much as I did!”

      I didn’t recognise all of Jan’s words but I did understand his point. I hadn’t resisted, I hadn’t even tried. And the worst part was that I hadn’t just laid there and let Jan do what he wanted, but actually responded, eagerly.

      As much as I wanted to deny it, I really couldn’t blame just him. He had initiated it, yes, but I had gone along with it and _liked_ it. And I had left him alone, bleeding and probably scared in that massive, abandoned building.

      I swallowed and lowered my eyes, because Jan’s gaze was so accusing that it hurt. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have accused you,” I said quietly. “And maybe I am ashamed about... it.’ Then I lifted my gaze to look at him and saw that this time it was Jan, who was staring at his shoes.

      “Ashamed of me?” he asked.

      I immediately shook my head, but of course Jan didn’t see it. “No, I’m ashamed of myself,” I said.

      Jan's eyes met mine. He looked so sad that I felt like I would do anything he wanted to make him feel better. “So you wouldn’t... hate me if I was...” he stammered.

      “No,” I said seriously, “never.” And I meant it. I was sure that I understood what Jan tried to tell me, and there was no way that I could abandon him for simply being gay.

      He looked at me in wonder. Had he really thought that I would hate him for that? And then I started to wonder about Filip again. What if he was more than a friend to Jan? If he was, I needed to make sure that it didn’t stay that way. But not quite yet, because reassuring Jan was way more important.

      “Yeah?” Jan asked quietly, hopefully.

      “Yeah,” I said and smiled.

      Jan smiled back at me and took a step closer. Then came Philip’s annoyed voice: “You’ve got to be kidding me,” he said as Jan pressed his face against my chest and wrapped his arms around my torso.

      “Fuck off,” I snarled at Filip (who looked affronted) and held Jan tightly. I closed my eyes and started to stroke his soft hair. That softness I had only realised at Prora...

      Filip tried to say something else, but I was no longer listening. Nor, it seemed, was Jan, because he didn’t move. I slowly became intoxicated with Jan’s hair and his cologne, which I remembered him having used before.

      I could feel him pressing closer to me and one of his hands rose to my neck. I didn’t mind and I was completely unaware of my surroundings. Gone were the bar, the loud music, my friends, Filip... All that existed was Jan and I. Until we were interrupted rather rudely.

      Jan was pulled away from my arms and for a moment I felt empty, like I had lost one of my limbs. But then the emptiness was replaced with anger, for I realised that it was Filip, who had taken Jan from me – again.

      I didn’t hear what the git said but whatever it was, it made Jan smile at him apologetically. And then with a quick glance at me, Jan left with Filip towards the garden. I was almost fuming, but somehow I manged to control myself.

      I turned around and saw Rafal, who I had completely forgotten had followed me to listen Jan and Filip. He dragged me back to our couch. I was wondering how much he had understood from the conversation. Hopefully not much.

      “What was that about?” he asked me as soon as we had sat down.

      “Nothing,” I said evasively and grabbed my drink from the table.

      Rafal raised his eyebrows sceptically. “I understand German better than I speak,” he said, “which ain’t much, I admit, but I think that mostly by looking at you two and your reactions, I understood enough.”

      I sighed into my drink. Why hadn’t I known that Rafal was better at German than I thought? “What exactly did you understand?” I asked.

      Rafal was quiet for a while and I hoped that he had lied to get me to tell him what the argument was about. But, alas, no such luck.

      “What did you do with him?” he asked. “And what are you doing now?”

      I remained quiet and sipped my drink. What was I doing, really? I had no idea, but what I did know was that I didn’t want Jan and Filip doing what I was afraid they were doing.

      “Matthieu, come on!” Rafal said and I realised that I had been quiet too long. I still didn’t know what to tell him, though.

      “I did something that I shouldn’t have,” I said vaguely and hoped that Rafal would leave it at that.

      “Don’t give me that crap.”

      Apparently not.

      “Fine!” I then said loudly. What did I care? “There was an incident during the summer. I wasn’t sure if our friendship could survive it and Jan was scared that he had ruined it permanently. But I decided to forget about it and told him that all was fine. But then after the summer I realised that it was not fine after all, and I kind of... stopped answering his messages.” I was rambling, but didn’t care. It felt good to get it out, to share it with someone other than Jan. “Before meeting here, we hadn’t been in any kind of contact for... about four months now.”

      Rafal was frowning at me. “Are you gay?” he asked suddenly, surprising me completely.

      “No!” I said vehemently, “I’m definitely not gay.” And I wasn’t lying, because I knew I liked girls sexually, not men. But then my subconscious asked me, again, why I had done that with Jan. And again I refused to think about it.

      “But he is?” Rafal asked next.

      “Apparently,” I said and emptied my pint. I felt an urge to go to the garden to find out what was going on in there.

      “Does that bother you?” Rafal asked.

      “No, he’s still my best friend,” I told him truthfully. I wasn’t about to abandon Jan again, no matter what.

      “What about that... friend of his?”

      That question made me scowl and I glared at Rafal for daring to suggest the same thing I was afraid of. “What about him?” I manged to bit out.

      There was a knowing look in his eyes which I hated. “I think that you are jealous of him,” he said, studying me closely.

      I snorted and shook my head. I knew I was jealous of him, but I did not want to tell Rafal that, because I didn’t want to think about _why_ exactly I was so jealous.

      “I’m going to get another drink,” I said and stood. This time Rafal didn’t follow me as I started walking towards the counter.

      When I finally got my pint, I didn’t return to Rafal but instead walked to the garden. I could feel myself getting rather drunk and I was uncertain what I was thinking of accomplishing by obsessing over Jan and Filip. They were nowhere to be seen, it seemed, and my imagination decided to flash all kinds of horrific images in my head, all of which showed Jan laughing and joking and touching that idiot.

      But reality was, in fact, a lot worse. When I finally spotted them a short distance away, I almost dropped the glass in my hand. Jan had twined his fingers in Filip’s black hair and was snogging him quite enthusiastically. It felt like the ground beneath me had disappeared and I was falling into a dark, never-ending abyss unable to grab anything to hold onto. I was falling... falling... falling...

      The next thing I was aware of was Jan’s angry voice saying something to me. I saw Filip lying on the ground, clutching at his bleeding nose and looking at me murderously. Had I punched him? I couldn’t even remember moving, but I must have, because I definitely wasn’t at the same spot anymore. I had also dropped my pint at some point.

      “Have you gone deaf as well as insane?” Jan shouted angrily at me and then bent down to inspect the damage I had inflicted on Filip’s ugly face.

      “I would’ve never thought that you could be friends with someone so violent,” Filip muttered as Jan helped him get up. “First he punched you and left you injured, and now he broke my nose!”

      Jan shot at me a very dirty look, but I didn’t feel even a little bit guilty. I glared back. Then I glanced at Filip. “He looks loads better now, if you ask me,” I said and I wanted to laugh at the look of indignation on Filip’s face. I didn’t, though, because I was sure that Jan would not have appreciated it.

      “Why don’t you do the both of us a favour and fuck off,” Filip snarled and tried to lunge at me, but Jan stopped him.

      “Stop, I don’t want you two to start fighting,” he said calmly to Filip, who looked defiant.

      I raised my eyebrows mockingly at Filip and folded my arms. He wasn’t worth a fight. I missed what the git said to Jan, but it couldn’t have been anything important.

      “I would like to talk to him alone, okay?” Jan said to Filip. “Just go and get us new drinks or something.”

      Filip protested valiantly, but Jan didn’t give in, so in the end Filip did go but not before glaring at me and hitting my shoulder rather harshly with his own. I staggered and almost fell, but fortunately I was able to keep my balance.

      “What is the matter with you?” Jan asked me, then, quite accusingly.

      “I don’t like him,” I answered. “And I don’t want you to like him either.”

      Jan shook his head. “It’s not up to you who I like.”

      “Do you think he’s better looking than I am?” came out of my mouth in weird mixture of French and German, and quite without permission. I wanted to punch myself in the face for saying it out loud.

      Jan’s eyebrows rose. “No, I don’t actually,” he said and looked at me curiously.

      “Then why did you snog him?” I pouted. Actually pouted, which I never did.

      “Because you are unavailable to me,” was Jan’s simple answer. “I can’t change the fact that you are straight.”

      “But if I wasn’t?” I blurted and then started to regret the amount of alcohol I had consumed that evening. It was making me say things I definitely didn’t want to say.

      “I think that I have already answered that,” Jan said and tilted his head a little.

      I looked at him in confusion. “You haven’t,” I said with a frown.

      A small smile formed in the corner of his mouth. “I meant... Prora,” he said quietly.

      It should be impossible for one little word to affect me so much. Instantly I could feel my face heating and goose bumps covering my skin. “You... didn’t do it only because I was the only one available at the time?” I asked and lowered my eyes. Jan’s gaze was so intensive that I found it impossible to meet.

      “I did it because... I wanted to do it with you,” Jan admitted and I heard him step closer to me.

      He was so close that I felt his breath on my face, but I still couldn’t lift my gaze. My heart was pounding as I processed the words he had just said. So it meant that Jan would rather be kissing me and not Filip, if only he could? I swallowed nervously, not really knowing how it felt to realise that I was the one who Jan wanted the most.

      “Matthieu,” he whispered and gently placed his palm against my rapidly beating heart. I was sure he could feel it.

      For a moment I simply looked down at his hand on my chest, but then I felt that I had to face him, so I finally, slowly, raised my gaze into his beautiful, blue eyes. He looked hopeful but still uncertain, maybe because of how I had reacted before. However, I felt no need to attack him even if he did do what I assumed he wanted.

      When Jan continued to hesitate, I found my own desire growing. Perhaps it was all the beer I had drank that gave me the courage, I didn’t know, but nevertheless I suddenly closed the gap between our lips.

      I had time to hear Jan’s quick, quiet gasp, before I let myself forget everything I had ever been taught, everything I knew and all that I thought I was. Those things didn’t matter, how could they, when Jan’s arms wrapped themselves tightly around my waist, and our lips and tongues danced, wildly and furiously.

      My head was spinning the most fabulous way, never had I ever felt like I was doing exactly what I was meant to do; holding Jan and kissing him, claiming him. I didn’t care if there were hundred Filips trying to steal Jan form me, because I knew I would win against every single one of them.

      Eventually I needed to breathe, however much I wished otherwise. Slowly I withdrew and only then did I realise that at some point I had closed my eyes. I opened them and saw Jan’s face, so close to mine that I wanted to forget all about breathing and kiss him again. His eyes were closed and he was breathing heavily through the small gap between his red lips. His arms were still around me and mine around his. I hadn’t noticed when I had done that, either.

      Slowly Jan’s eyes opened and met mine. The pupils were dilated and irises much deeper blue than normally. I wondered how my eyes looked; were they, too, glazed with desire and want? They must be, because that was how I felt – desire and want towards my best friend, who happened to be a bloke.

      I closed my eyes again and pulled Jan against my body and simply held him, not wanting to let go. I felt Jan tighten his hold and sigh against my collarbone. Would I have felt that against my face if Jan was as tall as me? What a weird thought, because I had always felt it was endearing that Jan was so short, and I still thought like that.

      I could have happily stood there for the rest of my life holding him, but unfortunately that wasn’t meant to be. Once again the moment was ruined by Filip, who else.

      “Jan, what are you doing?” his angry voice demanded. “I told you to keep away form that violent jackass!”

      I heard Jan’s frustrated sigh and then felt him starting to disentangle, but I didn’t let it happen. I stubbornly kept my arms around him and opened my eyes. Apparently Filip was standing somewhere behind me, because I didn’t see him.

      When Jan realised that he wasn’t going to get away, he turned sideways and let his head rest against my chest. I smiled and turned us so that both of us could see Filip. I was barely able to keep my face straight; the urge to smirk at him in a very self-satisfied way was almost too strong to resist.

      “Sorry, Filip,” said Jan, “but I don’t want to keep away from him.”

      The look on Filip’s face almost made me want to laugh, but I refrained from doing so for Jan’s sake.

      “I don’t understand you,” Filip sighed and lowered the two pints he was carrying on top of the nearest table. “I thought that we...”

      Jan tilted his head to look at me, and I wondered when I had learnt to understand what he wanted just by simply looking into his eyes. Very reluctantly I lowered my arms and freed him. I folded my arms and frowned when Jan approached Filip.

      “You know how I feel,” Jan said to him, “and I never promised you anything.”

      Filip sniffed and shook his head. “You...” he began but then evidently couldn’t continue.

      Jan reached out a hand and put it on his shoulder, and I bared my teeth in anger almost unconsciously. I also felt hot spikes of jealousy travelling down my spine.

      “Could we, please, talk privately?” Filip whined next. I hoped that Jan would refuse, but in my great annoyance he agreed at once.

      “See you in a bit, don’t go anywhere,” Jan turned to say at me. It was only because of the gentle smile on his lips that I acquiesced. I even gave him a small smile in return, which he seemed to appreciate, because his smile widened.

      I watched them disappear inside and with a sigh I sat down on a bench I found. The garden was far less crowded than the inside. I rummaged the inside pocket of my coat and found the cigarette-pack I had taken with me from the hotel we were staying in.

      Before I had managed to light it, however, I saw Rafal skulking around, apparently trying to keep out of my sight. I wondered how long he had been there.

      “I can see you,” I said loudly in French and then lighted my cigarette. It was a bad habit, I knew, and it was Jan’s fault that I had started smoking in the first place.

      Rafal stepped into the light looking a little sheepish. I rolled my eyes at him and gestured for him to join me.

      “How long have you been spying on me?” I asked and I was almost certain that Rafal had seen me snogging Jan like a drowning person trying to stay alive, because he had both a very curious and serious look on his face as he approached me.

      “So,” he said conversationally as he sat down next to me, “you’ve decided to broaden you view after all, then?”

      I glanced at him and shrugged. So what if I wanted to kiss – amongst other things – Jan? That didn’t make me gay.

      “You know it’s not that unusual to find only one person of your own sex attractive,” Rafal continued with his conversational voice. “I guess that makes you... bi-curious?”

      “Is that even a thing?” I asked.

      “Sure,” Rafal said and nodded seriously. “It’s a term used when a straight person wants to date or have sex with someone of his own sex. Or if gay or lesbian wants to do the same with opposite sex. Or then it simple describes someone who is considering to identify himself as bisexual, but hasn’t done it yet.”

      “I had no idea that you’re so knowledgeable about this stuff,” I said, feeling both amused and... a little weirded out to be honest.

      Rafal shrugged. “I am a lot smarter than you think.”

      “So... you think that I’m bi-curious, then?” I asked as I pondered what Rafal had said about it. Perhaps that word could describe me.

      “Well, you obviously like girls, there’s no question about that. But it also can’t be questioned that you do feel something very deep towards that friend of yours.”

      I blew smoke out of my lungs. “He sucked me off,” I said, surprising myself, “and then I jerked him off.”

      Rafal’s eyes practically whirled towards me in shock. “You mean during the summer?”

      “Yeah, during the summer.” I had no idea why I was telling him any of it, but again I found that opening up did make me feel better.

      “I thought that you had a fight and then you left him behind when he was injured!”

      “That became after we’d... finished,” I admitted. I still felt ashamed the way I had abandoned Jan.

      “Wow,” was all Rafal said to that.

      “I was angry and confused,” I defended myself, “I didn’t do it on purpose.”

      “Which one?”

      “The hitting and abandoning part,” I said with a sigh and threw my burned cigarette away.

      Rafal nodded. “What are you going to do now?”

      I had no idea. I wanted Jan, that much was certain, and I also wanted him away from Filip. But besides that... I hadn’t a clue.

      “Maybe we could start with having a chat tomorrow?” came Jan’s voice in German. I jerked in surprise, not having heard him coming at all.

      “Where did you leave... him?” I asked, also in German, and hoped as hell that Filip wasn’t going to appear at any moment. Rafal was shaking his head, probably because now he didn’t understand us properly.

      “Filip went home,” Jan said and then smiled at me.

      I smiled back at him, relieved. “Tomorrow?”

      “Call me, yeah?” Jan said.

      “I promise,” I said and this time I was going to call. I stood up and went to stand in front of him. “Are you leaving?”

      He nodded. “I’m going to stay with a friend, so we can meet tomorrow.”

      I looked at him suspiciously when he mentioned “a friend”.

      Jan laughed. “Not Filip or anyone else male,” he said. “Her name is Cheryl.”

      At once I relaxed, because I could sleep the night without thinking about Jan spooning in bed with a faceless, handsome stranger – or that idiot Filip.

      “I’ll see you tomorrow, then,” I said and leaned to kiss him goodnight. I planned it to be a short one, but we kissed rather long before Jan withdrew.

      “Good night,” he whispered against my tingling lips. Then he took a step back and with a smile to me, turned around and walked back inside and then, although I didn’t see it, out of the club.


End file.
